Jessica Zafra: Twilight – Breaking Wind

Nov 22, 2011 by

 

Last week Metro Manileños had a choice between the Cinemanila film festival (Takashi Miike, Wim Wenders), the Cinema One Originals film festival (independent Filipino filmmakers) and the Italian film festival (talks by Dario Argento, films by Bernardo Bertolucci). Actual options! Almost as if we were living in a film capital! But did they all have to happen at the same time? Did the organizers get together and decide that 4 or 5 days was all that local moviegoers could handle?

This week we have no options: every theater in every multiplex in our neighborhood is showing Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1. Meaning that sometime next year every theater in every multiplex in your neighborhood will be showing Twilight: Breaking  Dawn, Part 2. Yippee, something to live for!

In case you have been in cryogenic suspension for the last four years and have no idea what Twilight is, here is a recap.

Twilight is a bestselling series of Young Adult novels by Stephenie Meyer about a love triangle between teenage girl Bella Swan, century-old teen-looking vampire Edward Cullen, and teenage werewolf Jacob Black.

1.1. When Edward meets Bella in school he can’t decide whether he wants to eat her like steak tartare or make mad passionate love to her. Apparently he chooses the second. However since premarital sex is against the author’s beliefs Edward must express his desire by glowering palely and acting like a guy in an emo video that makes you want to shoot the TV every time it’s on.

1.2. When Bella learns Edward’s secret she wants him even more. Why shouldn’t she when vampires are the perfect boyfriends?

1.2.1. They never age.

1.2.2. They’ll never complain about your cooking.

1.2.3. They’ll never need skin-whitening treatments, glutathione or chemical peels.

1.2.4. They’re rich. All they have to do is open a savings account and let it earn interest for 100 years.

1.2.5. They are feared by everyone.

1.2.6. Unlike their literary and cinematic forebears, they do not get vaporized by sunlight, they just sparkle like diamonds.

1.2.7. They have superpowers.

1.3. Jacob also loves Bella. As boyfriends werewolves are a bit problematic.

1.3.1. They will age.

1.3.2. They’re always hungry and will probably bury juicy bones in the yard.

1.3.3. Don’t even think about getting a cat.

1.3.4. Your whole house will have that wet doggy smell.

1.3.5. They’re always hanging out with the pack, when is he going to have time for you?

1.3.6. The dental bills must be atrocious.

1.3.7. However, they keep taking off their shirts to reveal rock-hard abs.

1.4. Vampires and werewolves have been at war with each other for ages.

1.4.1. Every time Edward and Jacob lay eyes on each other they start glaring, baring their teeth, growling and getting hot and bothered.

1.4.2. Bella has to tell them to stop fighting over her because she loves them both, although she love-loves Edward and Jacob is just like a little brother to her.

1.4.3. Someone wake up the poor girl. It is obvious that Edward and Jacob have the hots for each other.

In Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Bella and Edward finally get hitched.

2.1. On the night before the wedding Edward confesses to Bella that he had killed and eaten humans before.

2.1.1. She tells him not to worry about it because his victims had all been bad people anyway.

2.1.2. She has a pre-wedding nightmare about the ancient vampires who will appear in the next movie.

2.2. The wedding is held at the Cullen estate in Seattle and attended by both vampires and humans.

2.2.1. It’s a civil ceremony presumably, not a church wedding which would’ve cause massive logistical problems. (Vamps accidentally sprinkled with holy water, staked in the heart with crosses, etc.)

2.2.2. We don’t get a shot of the buffet but we imagine lots of rare steaks, Bloody Marys, blood pudding anddinuguan (lots of Pinoys in Seattle).

2.2.3. Having worked off his rage at losing Edward by running all over Northern Canada, Jacob shows up at the wedding to dance with Bella while she is still a human being.

2.2.4. Bella announces that she doesn’t intend to get turned into a vampire till after the honeymoon – yes, she plans on boinking the vampire while she’s still human. This makes Jacob furious: “He’ll kill you!” What Jacob means is: “Edward you bitch I thought she would be undead by the time you got it on, how could you do it with a living girl! I hate you! I hate you!”

Bella and Edward have their honeymoon on an island off Rio de Janeiro.

3.1. Sex with a vampire is so wild and violent that the bed gets broken, the pillows get ripped and Bella gets bruised all over.

3.2. We’re not sure how it is possible to have sex without a pulse. How will the blood go where it’s supposed to? In fact the whole concept of vampires having sex is problematic, unless they were tumescent at the moment they were turned (from human to vampire) and spend eternity in that state.

3.3. Bella likes it but Edward is gripped by remorse: “How could I do this to you!” He refuses to have sex with Bella again. What Edward means is: “How could I do it with a living girl! Gross! Eww!”

3.4. Bella gets pregnant.

3.4.1. In the annals of vampire history no vampire has ever knocked up a human female.

3.4.2. Apparently vampire sperm does not turn to dust.

3.4.2.1. This calls to mind the classic problem: How can Lois Lane have Superman’s baby?

3.4.3. As the pregnancy progresses Bella looks more and more like a corpse. The fetus is killing her.

3.4.3.1. If it’s a boy she plans to name him E.J. Other possibilities: Jedward, Jakeward, Edcob.

3.4.3.2. If it’s a girl she plans to name her Renesmee after her grandmothers. Ay Pilipino pala si Bella!

3.4.4. The human-vampire spawn is an abomination and must be destroyed by the werewolves.

3.4.5. Jacob sneaks into the room to destroy the abomination, but the baby opens her eyes and imprints on Jacob.

3.4.5.1. Now the werewolves can’t touch the baby.

3.4.5.2. Now Jacob and Edward are linked forever.

3.4.5.3. Now Uncle Jacob will have to come along on family vacations.

3.4.6. Oh, and Bella gets turned into a vampire.

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