How to Berate People on Facebook with Class

Mar 11, 2014 by

When emotions take over us, we tend to forget what matters to us (at least educated people): our public image. We spew the best possible cusswords so passionately it could kill our nemesis. We aim to hit the target by using a language that best represents what we feel, often humiliating no one but yourself. So I have thought of a few things that might help (without guarantee) in preserving your most-prized face in the virtual world — especially if you have a job that somehow requires you to maintain unquestionable moral credibility or something to that effect.

When you are in a moment of painful hatred and deep-seated angst, here are some ways to express yourself on Facebook with class:

1. Refrain from using CAPS LOCK or ALL CAPS. In a Miranda Priestly fashion, you can effect terror without raising your voice. The Caps Lock is the equivalent of screaming in the real, physical world. For some it may mean emphasis but really, your choice of words can be emphasis enough. Going for Caps Lock is the virtual version of being a screaming wet-market-person (palengkera).

Amazing Amy.

Amazing Amy.

2. Minimize multiple ellipses or multiple punctuation marks that express exclamation. Firstly, it”s too jejemon (a sub-culture of juvenile groupies who thrive in disjointing the acceptable language whether in English or in Filipino). Secondly, does holding the shift 1 keys make you so happy and relieved afterwards? If there”s a psychological explanation to this madness, please indulge me.

Screen Shot 2014-03-11 at 9.58.19 AM

3. Unless you aren”t sure of your command for the English language, try to use some classic metaphors to hit on your target. Avoid getting too low by being too verbally scandalous. While Ilonggo cusswords are delicious (blogged about it here) by nature when uttered in the real physical world, posting it online and allowing the world to see for all eternity may just immortalize you as a cheap human being who hasn”t been brought up well. There are so many ways to attack or express disgust towards another person without being too literally blatant and pedestrian.

From this.

From this.

To this.

To this.

4. Expressing rage on Facebook, even with class, must not be done every 20 seconds. Flooding the timeline of your friends with pure unadulterated negativity and hatred is an absolute turn-off and trust me: you will get hidden from your friends” timeline. Limit your angry posts to at least once-a-month and make sure it”s something that many can relate to so you”ll get a fraction of sympathy from your friends. If you self-indulge and speak in selfish me! me! me! onlinesverigecasinon.com always me! state-of-mind, you are welcoming complete aberration from your non-reacting contacts on Facebook. Speak in general relatable terms, not about every little thing including the polluted air or your itchy underwear or the super bland soup or the noisy shoe of your officemate.

5. Oh please — do not berate someone on Facebook with gruesome specifics especially if they”re sensitive or taboo. Minding Miss Manners would dictate (and I agree) that one”s crassness is affirmed when they speak of details about someone else”s misdeeds especially when it involves marital scandals, sexual exploits, judgments on a person”s mental state, questioning religion and money. I may have missed some points, but so far these are things we can speak about in a more generalistic fashion. Say:

Tolerable.

Tolerable.

Screen Shot 2014-03-11 at 10.21.55 AM

Uhm, too much information.

6. Do not name names. With the new law on Online Libel, you wouldn”t like going through the trouble of facing up to legal charges.

7. Avoid being cryptic. Provide some sort of a sensible description of what your cause is. This one may just as well be gibberish:

Huh?!

Huh?!

 

In retrospect, this piece of blog may very well serve for entertainment, but the more literate thing to do is to let your anger steam off before typing furiously on your Facebook status only to regret the many repercussions it might bring. We all know that being too emotional affects our judgment, so it”s better to stay calm and compose thy rational thought before hitting the “post” button on your status.

Another way that I can guarantee to be most effective in berating someone is not through Facebook, but through a face-to-face encounter. It doesn”t only spare you from global embarrassment; it also helps you improve your interpersonal communication skills. This mode is facing the risks of becoming an extinct form of communication, so be an advocate. Meet your enemy face-to-face and pour your hearts out over beers!

Cheers!

3 Comments

  1. Nonoy

    Where’s the share button, sir?

  2. rebs

    Nice article once again. :) Love No. 3.

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