Godzilla Can Be Your New Pet

May 20, 2014 by

Just when I needed so badly a movie that would resurrect my decaying soul from all the work for the past 40 days straight, Godzilla was such a bad choice. Initially, there was some comfort offered by the movie: Sally Hawkins (who played Cate Blanchett’s sister in that ridiculously wonderful movie Blue Jasmine), Juliet Binoche (whom I have fallen in love with so many times over, but in this movie she dies after 10 minutes), and Ken Watanabe (who looks like he did the movie just so there’s a prominent Japanese representation in respect to the origins of Godzeeela). I can’t believe these actors have fallen prey to this excruciatingly blah movie. One of the Olsen twins, Elizabeth, had the most enormous false eyelashes in the entire duration of the film. The lashes were so unaffected by all the mayhem it was basically a saving grace. On the other hand, the guy who plays the lead part, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, was just the perfect dude to play a bozo part in the movie — he is a severely-constipated-but-hung-asshole. His acting is so dumb he made us focus on other things, like his nice skin and tight-fitting shirts.

So The Philippines comes out in the opening sequence of the movie as the breeding ground of a godzilla-esque grasshopper that feeds on nuclear things (anything that contains dangerous radioactive materials with that iconic symbol of a yellow patch). This creature swims its way to Japan to indicate that Japan is perhaps the mother of all nuclear matter for its many available nuclear plants apparently engineered by Americans. It quietly stays there for another 15 years, sending only some puzzling tremors that confused scientists while the creature breeds on nuclear radiation so generously provided for by the Japanese nuclear powerplants. Of course, the creature had to come out or else what’s the move for. The giant grasshopper effortlessly crushed everything in its path, enjoying the havoc it brings to a country so obsessed with system and order. But alas, the grasshopper can fly! It decides to cross the Pacific and meet its better half to breed — in California! Good choice of a battleground for a radioactive grasshopper. Studio execs must be jumping for joy in capturing all the wrecking ball action.

So what the hell is up with Godzilla?

Surprisingly, Godzilla resurfaces from the depths of the oceans to bring back the balance by beating the crap out of these nuclear-happy grasshopper couple. The ginormous mutants fight in the middle of San Francisco overlooking the bay, tearing apart the Golden Gate, and God knows whatever happens to Folshom Road! Godzilla is such a smart lizard. He reserves his fire-blowing skills just in time to shock us all 7 minutes before the movie ends. We feel sorry for Godzilla for having been beaten so hard by the nasty gangster grasshopper love team. We see how Godzilla tries to protect mankind by screaming his jaws out and crashing unto literally EVERYTHING. Including me as the viewer.

So what did mankind play in the whole apocalyptic monster movie? Nothing. They were basically a bunch of distraction.

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